Real Meanings in Brochures & Pamphlets

Old world charm:
Room and a path
Tropical:
Rainy
Majestic setting:
A long way from town, at end of dirt road
Options galore:
Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway:
Directions to locate unclear
Some budget rooms:
Sorry, already occupied
Explore on your own:
At your own expense
Knowledgeable trip hosts:
They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees:
No extras
Nominal fee:
Outrageous charge
Standard:
Sub-standard
Deluxe:
Barely Standard
Superior accommodations:
One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap
All the amenities:
Two shower caps, two chocolates.
Plush:
Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes
Gentle breezes:
In hurricane alley
Light and airy:
No air conditioning
Picturesque:
Theme park nearby
24-hour bar:
Ice cubes at additional cost(when available)

What Kind of Work Do You Do?

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.(Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday did not happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief."

A lawyer is a person who makes you believe that in his lie lies the truth.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

Adoctor is a person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

A boss is someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Definitions in Politics

Feudalism:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Pure Socialism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
Bureaucratic Socialism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
Fascism:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Pure Communism:
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Russian Communism:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Cambodian Communism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Dictatorship:
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Pure Democracy:
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy:
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
Bureaucracy:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Pure Anarchy:
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
Anarcho-Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Surrealism:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Olympics-ISM:
You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with(gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.

Definitions in Chinese

Are you harboring a fugitive?:
Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P.:
Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man:
Dum Gai
Small Horse:
Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?:
Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table:
Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift:
Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here:
Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed?:
Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.:
Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet:
Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone.:
No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?:
Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright:
Yu So Dum
I got this for free:
Ai No Pei
I am not guilty:
Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer.:
Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week:
Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived:
Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight:
Lei Lo
Pew! does this bathroom stink!:
Hu Flung Dung?
He's cleaning his automobile:
Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive:
Yu stin ki pu

Whose Dictionary Are We Using?

Advertising:
Makes you think you've always wanted something that you've never heard of before.
Criminal:
One who gets caught.
Diplomat:
Someone who has the same enemies as you.
Experienced Person:
One who thinks twice before saying nothing.
Obesity:
Surplus gone to waist.
Hug:
A roundabout way of expressing affection.
Alarm Clock:
Something to scare the living daylights into you.
Epitaph:
A statement that lies above about the person that lies below.
Echo:
The only thing that can't stop you getting the last word.
Holiday:
The time when you find out where not to go next year.
Dictionary:
A book in which Divorce comes before Marriage.
Atheism:
A non-prophet organization.
Love:
A Business of the idle but the idleness of the Busy.
Marriage:
The only union that can’t be recognized. Both sides think they’re management.
Editing:
A rewording activity.
Hen:
An egg’s way of making another egg.
Air Pollution:
a mist-demeanor.
Spectacles:
A device to look better or for a better look.
G.K:
God Knows.
Affair:
An undercover meeting taking place under a cover.
Liberty:
One of imaginations most precious possessions.
Telephone:
An electronic device for people who cannot lie eye to eye.
Poison:
Please open if suicide occasion nears.
Abundance:
A party in a Bakery.
Egotist:
Someone who is ‘me’ deep in conversation.
Democracy:
Democracy OFF the people, BUY the people & FAR from the people.
Smile:
A Vaccination against sadness.
Flirting:
Attention without Intention.
Tooth Brush:
It carries paste with haste to taste.
Mrs.:
I miss the days when I was a MISS.
Absent Minded Person:
One who stands in front of the mirror for hours trying to remember where he had seen the person before.
Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Opportunist:
One who starts having a bath when he/she accidentally falls in a river.
Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Love affairs:
Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.
Adult:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Beauty Parlor:
A place where women curl up and dye.
Cannibal:
Someone who is fed up with people.
Chickens:
The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Committee:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Dust:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Egotist:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Gossip:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
Handkerchief:
Cold storage.
Inflation:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Mosquito:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
Raisin:
Grape with a sunburn.
Secret:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
Toothache:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
Tomorrow:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
Yawn:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
Wrinkles:
Something other people have. You have character lines.

Listen to These Words Carefully!

Abdicate:
to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Arbitrator:
A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable:
What a bullfighter tries to do.
Balderdash:
a rapidly receding hairline.
Baloney:
Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette:
The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize:
What a crook sees with.
Carcinoma:
a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Circumvent:
the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Code:
A respiratory ailment
Coffee:
a person who is coughed upon.
Cole’s Law:
Thinly sliced cabbage.
Control:
A short, ugly inmate.
Converter:
An evangelist
Counterfeiters:
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Cryogenic Film:
A sad movie on hygiene
Cycle:
Half of a bicycle
Decoding:
Winter rest in Florida
Disc Storage:
Spare parts department for surgeons
Down Time:
Shedding season for ducks
Eclipse:
What an English barber does for a living.
Esplanade:
to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Exchange:
Contents of your pockets after your wife's been through them
Eyedropper:
A clumsy ophthalmologist.
File Maintenance:
Keeping abrasive tools abrasive
Flabbergasted:
appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flatulence:
the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Gargoyle:
an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Heroes:
What a guy in a boat does.
High Speed Bus:
A contradiction in terms
IRS:
Be audit you can be.
Interlock:
Where the key goes
Internet:
the web of interns in which Ken Starr has tried to snare Bill Clinton.
Left Bank:
What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Lobster:
a slick-talking, oily, obnoxious person who represents special interest groups on Capitol Hill.
Lymph:
to walk with a lisp.
Macadam:
the first man on Earth, according to the Celtic bible.
Maintenance Manual:
A Mexican handyman
Marionettes:
residents of Washington D.C. who have been jerked around by the mayor.
Matrix:
Leftover April Fool's Day pranks
Mausoleum:
floor covering used in crypts. Attractive from the top and bottom.
Misty:
How golfers create divots.
Mnemonic:
A hard to remember word used to describe hard to remember symbols that represent harder to remember codes.
Negligent:
describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Nincompoop:
the military command responsible for battlefield sanitation.
Overlay:
Produce too many eggs.
Oyster:
a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Paradox:
two physicians.
Parallel:
Two llel's
Parasites:
what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist:
a helper on the farm.
Polarize:
What penguins see with.
Primate:
Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Rectitude:
the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Relief:
what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck:
What you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress:
Describes 250 pounds in a size six.
Selfish:
What the owner of a seafood store does.
Semantics:
pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before Vespers.
Sense:
What if we had more of would have kept us from doing this
Subdued:
Like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man
Sudafed:
Bringing litigation against a government official.
Testicle:
A humorous question to an exam.
Truncate:
What the crocodile did to the elephant when it was drinking
Willy-nilly:
impotent.

Bad Spelling Does the Trick

Accordionated:
Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
Adulatery:
cheating on your spouse with a much younger partner who holds you in awe.
Aquadextrous:
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
Aqualibrium:
The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
Balderdash:
a rapidly receding hairline.
Beelzebug:
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Bozone:
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Burglesque:
A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Bustard:
A very rude Metrobus driver.
Cashtration:
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Caterpallor:
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
Circumvent:
the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Coffee:
a person who is coughed upon.
Decaflon:
The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Dios:
the one true operating system.
Disconfect:
To sterilize a piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.
Doltergeist:
a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank.
Dopelar Effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
Extraterrestaurant:
An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
Faunacated:
How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.
Flabbergasted:
appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flatulance:
the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Foreploy:
Any misrepresentation or lie about yourself that leads to sex.
Gargoyle:
an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high . . .
Glibido:
All talk and no action.
Grantartica:
The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.
Hemaglobe:
The bloody state of the world.
Hipatitis:
Terminal coolness.
Imargination:
the fantasy of having sex with Homer`s wife.
Impotience:
eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.
Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Intaxication:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Karmageddon:
It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Kinstirpation:
A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.
Lullabuoy:
An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
Lymph:
to walk with a lisp.
Manufracture:
to produce items which break after little use.
Macadam:
the first man on Earth, according to the Celtic bible.
Negligent:
describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Ninicompoop:
the military command responsible for battlefield sanitation.
Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease.
Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Sarchasm:
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn`t get it.
Taterfamilias:
the head of the Potato Head family.
Tatyr:
A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Telegant:
looking good on TV
Writer'S Tramp:
a woman who practices poetic licentiousness.

Words Around Children

Full Name:
what you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents:
the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Godsend:
any individual or group who offers to babysit for free!
Hearsay:
what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Independent:
how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Ow:
the first word spoken by children with older siblings(followed closely by "mine!")
Puddle:
a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show Off:
a child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize:
what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.
Top Bunk:
where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Verbal:
able to whine in words.

Words We Just Had to Invent

Alpha Geek:
The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
Arachnoleptic Fit:
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Assmosis:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Blamestorming:
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Burgacide:
When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
Buzzacks:
People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
Carperpetuation:
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
Chainsaw Consultant:
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Chips & Salsa:
Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
Cube Farm:
An office filled with cubicles.
Deifenestration:
to throw all talk of God out the window.
Dimp:
A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
Ecnalubma:
A rescue vehicle, which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
Eiffelites:
Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
Elecelleration:
The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
Esplanade:
to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Flight Risk:
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
Frust:
The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
Going Postal:
Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
Good Job:
A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Idea Hamsters:
People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Irritainment:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another. \
Lactomangulation:
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
Mouse Potato:
The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Neonphancy:
A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
Peppier:
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
Percussive Maintenance:
The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Petonic:
One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
Phonesia:
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
Prairie Dogging:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Pupkus:
The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
Seagull Manager:
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
Sitcoms:
(Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
Squirt The Bird:
To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage:
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Telecrastination:
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Tourists:
People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists".
Treeware:
Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Uninstalled:
Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm:
"You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn:
decruitment.)
Vulcan Nerve Pinch:
The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key, and the Power On key.
Xerox Subsidy:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Yuppie Food Stamps:
The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
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