I notice that dyslexics always seem to have more fnu.

Some people don't realize that clones are people two.

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

Light travels at 186,000 miles/second. It is not just an idea, it's the LAW.

Anything free is worth what you paid for it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Rap is to music, what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.

It makes no sense to be pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,make Bloody Mary's. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT' S a message!!

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How come Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"