"It's a Paluckoo. The Bajoran moons are full of them" -- Kira
"Oh. I suppose you used to make them your pets and sing songs about them around the campfire" -- Jadzia
"No. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all Yiddish-speaking Canada.- David Steinberg
Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac?
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. (Miss Alabama in 1994 Miss USA Contest)
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is: No pain, no pain.
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They don't have any holidays. - Henny Youngman
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. - Matt Lauer
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother. - Peter Malkin
Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. - David Dinkins, New York Mayor
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. - Brooke Shields
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Drugs may lead to nowhere but at least it's the scenic route.
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. - Benjamin Disraeli
A fool and his money are soon partying.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. - Sam Levenson
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - Winston Bennett, Basketball forward
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Charlie Brown is really a 50 year old midget.
God will pardon me. It's his business. - Henrich Heine
Half the people you know are below average.
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Mayor Marion Barry
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks. - Joe. E. Lewis
A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. - Sam Goldwyn
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees. - Jason Kidd, drafted to a football team
98% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. - Woody Allen
A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it. - Oscar Levant
Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. - Hilary Clinton
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair. - George Burns
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen. - Mort Sahl
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle
The problem with the gene pool is there is no lifeguard.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese. - French President Charles DeGaulle
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs. - Sam Goldwyn
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. - Ernie Kovacs
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a donkey and I'm just the one to do it. - candidate running for political office
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
24 hours in a day - 24 beers in a case - coincidence?
When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault. - Henry Kissinger
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute. -Jay Leno
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is called research.
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay Leno
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family know someone in the Royal family? - Robin Williams
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - William Coronel
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If you love something, set it free. If it returns to you it will be yours forever. If it doesn't return, hunt it down and kill it.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneris
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.