Funny Signs of North America

Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call a plumber."
Microbiology Lab: "Staph Only!"
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blow out."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Let us pick your nose."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a non-smoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
Graffiti: Boycott shampoo__.Demand REAL poo!
At a bank: "Jesus saves - Why can't you?'
At a garden fete: "Baby show. All entries to be handed in at the gate."
At a garden shop: "We now have kricket krap!"
At the entrance of the IRS: "Watch your step."
At a fast-food place: "Parking for drive-thru customers only!"
In a supermarket: 'Prices are born here and raised elsewhere."
In a tea shop: "Today's special. Pot of tea with stones and jam."
In front of a record shop: "Records for sale, for sale, for sale........"
In front of a clock repair shop: "Cuckoo clocks... Psychoanalyzed cheap."
In front of an ice cream store: "You can't beat our milk, but you can lick our ice cream cones."
In a pizza parlour: "Open 24 hours - except 2 A.M. - 8 A.M."
In a school: "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended."
In a store window: "Don't be fooled by imitators going out of business. We have been going out of business longer than anyone in town."
In the bathroom of a large apartment building: "When taking showers, please leave the bathroom door a jar. This will prevent the plaster from peeling."
In the window of a dry cleaner's: "Same day dry cleaning - all garments ready in 48 hours."
Notice in a restaurant: "Our cutlery is not medicine. So please do not take it after meals."
Notice in the window of a fabric shop: "Repairs and alterations done here. Dying arranged."
Office sign: "Ace exterminating - we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome."
On a bar: "Our customers enter optimistically and leave misty optically."
On a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further."
On a farm gate: "Dogs found worrying will be shot."
On a government issue car: "Fulton county disaster coordinator."
On a highway: "Eat 300 feet"
On a parking space at a garden nursery: "Reserved for plant manager."
On a highway: "Drive carefully: Auto accidents kill most people from 15 to 19."
On a scientist's door: "Gone fission."
On a window of a hamburger restaurant: "Yes, we are open. Sorry for the inconvenience."
On an asphalt truck: "Let us fill your crack!"
On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery tournament. Ears pierced."
On a highway: "Drive slower When Wet."
On a dairy truck: "From moo to you... In an hour or two."
On a dentist's houseboat: "Offshore drilling."
On a garbage truck: "Satisfaction guaranteed... Or double your garbage back."
On a newly mown lawn: "Your feet are killing me."
On a village shop: "Half-day closing all day Wednesday."
On restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong)."
On the inside of a bathroom stall: "Beware of limbo dancers."
On the road: "Men should be working!"
On used car lot: "Second hand cars. In first crash condition."
Outside a church: 'The last world war. Where and when will it be fought? St. Margaret's, Hartford Street on Tuesday 22nd February at 7:00 P.M."
Outside a farm: "Cattle please close gate."
Outside a French cafe: "Persons are requested not to occupy seats in this cafe without consuming."
Outside a house: "Beware of owner... Never mind the dog."
Outside a fancy shop: "No children aloud."
Outside a house: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of one German Shepherd."
Outside a music store: "Out to lunch. Usually Bach by one. Offenbach sooner."
Outside of planetarium: "Cast of thousands... Every one a star."
Outside a pet shop: "No dogs allowed."
Outside a school: "Fite illeteracy (Fight Illiteracy)
Outside a tailor shop: "Don't stand outside and faint ...Come inside and have a fit!"
Over a cannibal's hut: "I never met a man I didn't like."
Seen at an undertaker's: "Oscar's Funeral Parlour - Where you'll always find a smile."
Seen in a college: "This week's lecture: Underwater life by Peter Fish."
Seen in a shop selling calculators and computers: "You can always count on us."
Seen in a watch shop: "Please wait patiently to be served. I only have two hands."
Seen near a new subway construction site: "Closed for official opening."
Seen on an electricity pylon: "DANGER! To touch these wires will result in instant death. Anyone found doing so will be severely prosecuted."
Seen outside a fire station: "Fire station - no smoking."
Seen outside a travel agency: Why don't you go away?
Seen outside dancing academy: "Please mind the steps."
On a newly painted bench: "Wet paint. Watch it or wear it."
Spotted at the railway station: "Passengers are asked not to cross the lines - it takes ages for us to uncross them again."
Spotted in a guesthouse: "Hot and cold running in all rooms."
Traffic sign: "Parking restricted to 60 minutes in any hour."
Spotted in a garden centre: "Up these steps for the sunken garden."
Spotted in a golf club: "Golfers please do not drink and drive."
Spotted in a farmyard: "Manure for sale. Bring your own bucket."
On a highway: "You are speeding when flashing."
On a loft building: "Wanted: Woman to sew buttons on the fourth floor."
In front of a magic shop: "Disappeared for lunch."
In hairdresser's window: "Stylist wanted. Good pay and fringe benefits."
In hardware store: "Today's special, so is tomorrow."
In an appliance shop: "Why smash your plates washing up? Let one of our dishwashers do it for you."
In a beauty shop window: "Dye now, gray later."
In a church hall: "Electrical specialist will be here on Thursday morning to show parishioners how to wire plugs and make small repairs. followed by a light lunch."
In a grocery shop: "Try our local butter. Nobody can touch it."
In a maternity clothes store: "We are open on labor day."
In a restaurant: "The early bird gets the worm! Special shoppers' luncheon before 11:00 AM."
In a parking area: "Violators will be enforced and Trespassers will be violated."
In a picture shop: "Let us put you in the picture and frame you."
In a realtor's office: "Lots for little."
In a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12"
In a sandwich shop: "Our tongue sandwiches speak for themselves."
In a science teacher's room: "If it moves, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics."
At the tennis club: "Would spectators please be quiet during matches and let the players raise a racquet."
At the zoo: "Children found straying will be sent to the lion enclosure."
Billboard on a road: "Belt your family and save their lives."
Circus poster: "Biffo Brothers' Circus, featuring Marvo, the strongest man in the world. In town all weak."
For a litter of dachshund pups: "Get a `long` little doggie!"
Found in a butcher's shop: "These scales are accurate. No two weighs about it."
In a bookstore: "We treat you write."
In a cafe window: "Waitresses required for breakfast."
On a plumbing van: "A flush beats a full house!"
At a small restaurant: "Eat here or we'll both starve."
In a hospital car park: "Anyone found parking without a permit will be given an injection."
In an airport's souvenir store: "Unattended children will be sold into slavery."
In the bathroom of a mom and pop store: "We aim to please, so you aim too, please."
Sign on a retail store door: "PUSH, if it doesn't open, PULL, if it still doesn't open, WE ARE CLOSED."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
On a Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
Hotel: "Help!" We need inn-experienced people
Auto body shop: "May we have the next dents?"
Bowling alley: 'Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
Wallpaper & paint store: "Husbands choosing colors must have note from their wives."
Self-service elevator: "Eighth Floor Button Out of Order. Please Push Three and Five Instead."
Golf course: "Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling."
Student's registration card: "Name of parents - Mummy and Daddy."
Accounting firm name: "Savage Tax"
In the small town by the same name: "Ebbetts Pass Gas & Restaurant"
At a crosswalk: "HOW TO CROSS THE STREET 1. Extend arm 2. Wait for cars to stop 3. Cross street 4. Thank drivers."
At a funeral home: "Long Funeral Service"
Before an underpass: "Low Bridge 2500 Feet"
On a library at a place called North Reading: "No. Reading Public Library"
On a movie theater: "Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child."
In a toy department: "Five Santa Clauses -- No waiting!"
In the window of an appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
Pet shop: "All birds going cheep."
Highway sign: "Caution, state correctional facility ahead, do not pick up hitchhikers."
At a furniture store: "ANTIQUE Tables Made Here Daily."
On a museum exhibit in braille: "PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH THIS EXHIBIT."
Junk yard sign: "Drive Recklessly! It Helps Business!"
In a bus shelter: "Learn to Read. Call xxx-xxxx"
Tattoo shop: "Tattoos done while you wait."
Jewelry store: "We buy old boyfriends jewelry!"
Bumper sticker: "DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT OR SHOULD I DRIVE BY AGAIN?"
KFC sign: "Now Hiring: 2 Chickens for $5.99."
Beside a mountainous road in the desert: "Watch For Trocks."
Furniture refinishing business: "STRIP-N-SHOP."
Small run-down Las Vegas motel: "This motel highly recommended by owner."
Road sign: "CAUTION - WATER ON ROAD DURING RAIN."
Outside a Church: "Come join us for Sun. worship!"
On wooden gates around some dumpsters: "OPENS FROM INSIDE."
At a mini-mall that has a small pharmacy and a seamstress shop: "Lee's Drugs -- Unlimited Alterations"
At a catholic elementary school: "Jesus is coming! No bingo Sunday."
Sign near woodpile: "Fire wood for sale. To go."
At a vasectomy clinic: "Atlanta Vasectomy Clinic, Atlanta's best Chop Shop!"
Restaurant sign: "Now serving live lobsters."
On a restaurant menu: "Blackened bluefish."
Restaurant sign: "Open seven days a week and weekends."
On the walls of an estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. -- Sisters of Mercy"
Dry cleaners store sign: "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
In a drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."
In a medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center."
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
In a men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"
In a parking area reserved for birdwatchers: "Parking for birds only."
In the vestry of a church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
In a laundry room: "Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage."
On a restroom dryer: "Do not activate with wet hands."
In a jewelry store: "Ears pierced while you wait."
In a restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude should see the manager."
A sign in an Asian seafood store: "Crap - .79/lb."
In a maternity ward: "No children allowed."
In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
At a number of US military bases "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of 'You are my one and only' valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
In a cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On the grounds of a private school: "No trespassing without permission."
In a library: "Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away."
On a tailor shop: "Need some help? Sew what?"
On a highway: "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
In front of a car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car."
On an advertising poster: "Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."
From the safety information card in an airline seat pocket: "If you are sitting in an exit row and cannot read this card, please tell a crew member."
On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."
On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
On a repair shop window: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
Road sign before a tunnel: "Callahan Tunnel / No end."
A sign on a front yard: "Inexpensive, Quality Daycare - Openings Day and Night."

Funny Signs in Great Britain

A London eatery advertised for help this way: "Wanted: Man to wash dishes and two waitresses."
In an English office block: "Lift out of order. Please use elevator."
In a London park: "No walking, sitting or playing on the grass in this pleasure park."
Road sign: "Steeple Bumstead: Left 3 Miles Right 3 Miles Straight Ahead 3 Miles."
Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Road sign: "Turn right for the fairy glen. Beware of heavy lorries.'
Seen in an English factory: "Any member of staff who needs to take the day off to go to a funeral must warn the foreman on the morning of the match."
Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
English sign in a German cafe: MOTHERS PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall, which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

Strange Signs from Other Parts of the World

A hotel notice in Madrid informs: "If you wish disinfection enacted in your presence, please cry out for the chambermaid."
A Polish hotel informs prospective visitors in a flyer: "As for the trout served you at the Hotel Monopol, you will be singing its praise to your grandchildren as you lie on your deathbed."
In a certain African hotel: "You may choose between a room with a view on the sea or the backside of the country."
In a Chinese restaurant: "If you are satisfactory please tell your friends. If you are not satisfactory please tell the waiter."
In a Japanese hotel: "Sports jackets may be worn but no trousers."
In a Sorrento hotel: "Contact the concierge immediately for informations. Please don't wait last minutes then it will be too late to arrange any inconveniences."
In an Egyptian hotel: "If you require room service, please open door and shout, `ROOM SERVICE!'."
In an Italian hotel: "Do not adjust your light hanger. If you wish more light see manager."
In a Chinese restaurant: "From Monday our catering assistants will be pleased to serve customers to the vegetables."
In a Swiss hotel: "Do you wish to change in Zurich? Do so at the hotel bank!"
Posted in a Scottish harbor: "For sale boat single owner green in colour."
The room service in a Lisbon hotel tells you: "If you wish for breakfast, lift the telephone and ask for room service. This will be enough for you to bring your food up."
In a Tokyo Hotel: "Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis."
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."
In a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: "To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."
In a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk."
In a hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."
In a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid."
In a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: "Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
On the menu of a Polish hotel: "Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
Outside a Paris dress shop: "Dresses for street walking."
In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: "It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose."
In a Zurich hotel: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."
In a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: "Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages."
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: "Would you like to ride on your own ass?"
In a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today -- no ice cream."
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."
In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
In the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coates made for ladies from their own skin."
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life."
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: "Stop. Drive Sideways"
In a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we reccomend courteous, efficient self-service."
In an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
From the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
In another Japanese hotel room: "Please to bathe inside the tub."
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
In a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
In an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
In a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: "Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: "When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."
Two signs from Majorcan shop entrances: "- English well talking. - Here speeching American."