Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Driving Exams
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too (expletive)-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
English
Define the word 'monotony.' Monotony is being married to the same person all your life.
Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
What does the word 'benign' mean? Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
What is the correct use of a semi-colon? Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal of the intestines
Geography
Climate is caused by the emotion of the earth around the sun.
The people of Japan ride around in jig-saws.
The plains of Siberia are roamed over by the lynx and the larynx.
Lindberg is the capital of Germany.
The chief animals of Australia are the kangaroo, larkspur, boomerang, and peccadillo.
Don Juan is a town in the West Indies.
Germany is an industrial country because the poor have nothing else to do, so they make lots and lots of factories.
Where is Alaska? Alaska is not in Canada.
Spain's national music is the cascarets.
What people live in the Po Valley? Po people.
In Pittsburgh they manufacture iron and steal.
In Athens there is a temple called the Pancreas.
Georgia was founded by people who had been executed.
When we cross the Hudson River we come to the United States.
Where is the greater part of Europe? In New York.
The principal export of Sweden is hired girls.
The Indian squabs carry porpoises on their backs.
Among the enduring remains of Egyptian civilization are pyramids and obsequies.
Rome had a fine defensive position, being seven miles from the mouth of the Tiger.
The seaport of Athens is Pyorrhea.
The Greeks wore scandals on their feet.
In what general direction to the rivers of France flow? From the source to the mouth.
The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
Manhattan island was bought from the Indians for about $24, and now I don't suppose you could buy it for $500.
The United States are mostly populated by people.
The State of Virginia was named for the Virgin Mary, who afterward married Captain John Smith.
What is the sound west of the State of Washington? The sound of the ocean.
Canadians raise boll weevils for their wool.
Where is Cincinnati? First place in the National League.
Floods from the Mississippi may be prevented by putting big dames in the river.
Denver is just below the 'o' in Colorado.
They don't raise anything in Kansas but Alpaca grass, and they have to irritate that to make it grow.
The benefit of latitude and longitude is that when a man is drowning he can call out what latitude and longitude he is and we can find him.
Virginia is the mother of President Wilson and is also noted for her hysterical sights.
The chief products of the Hawaiian Islands is rainfall.
Philistines were inhabitants of the Philippine Islands.
The original tribes of Central America were the Axtecs, the Celts, and the Morons.
New Zealand is a democratic country. they passed a law there preventing women from sweating in the factories.
Malays are brown generally and inhabit Malaria.
The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
The Kaffirs of Africa are a very savage race. In times of war they beat their tum-tums and can be heard for miles around.
The American Indians travel in birchbark canoes on little streams of water that they make themselves.
The state flower of Colorado is the concubine.
The soil of Prussia was so poor that the people had to work hard just to stay on top.
The Mason line is the line running north of the Equator and the Dixon line is south.
In the west, farming is done mostly by irritating the land.
Oceania is a continent that contains no land.
There is a great deal of nothing in the center of Australia.
Asked to name six animals peculiar to Arctic regions, a boy replied, "Three bears and three seals."
Climate lasts all the time, but weather lasts only a few days.
Latitude tells how hot you are and longitude tells how cold you are.
The Menai Straits are crossed by a tubercular bridge.
Sienna is famous for being burnt.
The climate of Bombay is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The trade of Spain is small, owing to the insolence of the people.
The Eskimos are God's frozen people.
The sun sets in the west and hurries around to the east to be in time to rise the next morning.
Name three animals peculiar to frigid regions. The lion and the giraffe and the elephant are peculiar to frigid regions, but the polar bear and the seal and the walrus live there.
People go to Africa to hunt rhinostriches.
Glaciers spread a murrain over the land.
The highest peak in the Alps is the Blanc Mange.
The Equator is a menagerie lion running around the earth and through Africa.
Imports are ports very far inland.
Nearly at the bottom of Lake Michigan is Chicago.
The chief occupation of Perth is Dying.
The inhabitants of Moscow are Mosquitoes.
The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
A mountain range is a cooking stove used at high altitudes.
An Indian Reservation consists of a mile of land for every five square Indians.
The only signs of life in the Tundra are a few stunned corpses.
Among the islands of the West Indies are the Pyjamas, noted for their toilet sponges.
Lipton is the capital of Ceylon.
The population of London is a bit too thick.
Persian cats is the chief industry of Persia, hence the word purr.
The Mediterranean and the Red Seas are connected by the Sewage Canal.
New York is behind Greenwich time because America was not discovered until very much later.
Henry VIII had an abyss on his knee which made walking difficult.
Certain areas of Egypt are cultivated by irritation.
Zanzibar is noted for its monkeys. The British Governor lives there.
A watershed is a shed in the middle of the ocean where ships shelter during a storm.
History
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out:"Tee hee, Brutus."
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw.
Finally the Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
In medieval times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practised virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking
During the Renaissance, history began.
Later, the pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
The government of England was a limited mockery.
Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate.
In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.
Mathematics
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
A polygon is when your parrot flies away.
A rectangle needs to be fixed or it doesn't work.
Bi-sexing lines meet from different directions.
Music
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoved expired in 1827 and later died from this.
Henry Purcell is a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.
An opera is a song of bigly size.
A harp is a nude piano.
Aaron Copland is one of our most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
My favorite composer is opus.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
My very best liked piece is the bronze lullaby.
Psychology
What is a morbid state? A stage in a take-over, when a bigger offer is made
Religion
Who did not welcome the return of the prodigal son? The fatted calf.
What is a Hindu? It lays eggs.
Name some famous pilgrimages. Muslims used to go to Gamages but now it's closed. Christians still go on pilgrimage to Lord's.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "am I my brother's son?"
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
Science
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
What could be done to decrease global warming? Cows make large amounts of methane when they fart. This could be reduced by fitting them with catalytic converters.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human brains have more convulsions.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u.
Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration.
For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What is a social node?
A: A friend you have known for a very long time.
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.