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Problems High Achievers May Face
(based on an article by Barbara Reinhold, MSN.CA article)

Getting bumped off the track on your way to the top, isn't that every high- achiever's recurring nightmare? How can you be sure it doesn't happen to you? Contemplate the following six career-derailing errors uncovered in research by Michael Lombardo, formerly of the Center for Creative Leadership and now a principal of Lominger Limited. If you get a little "uh oh" reaction to reading them, you'll know where to put your energies:

1. Disagreements with higher management. Obviously this is a no-no, even if your point of view is correct. Those who would rather be right than promoted almost always get their wish. Know your place and respect that of others above you.
2. Problems with team building. You need to be good at spotting talent in others if you are in charge of something. Building diversity, developing talent and helping your people work together effectively are also core capabilities that you can't do without for very long. You can’t do it by yourself all the time, no matter how smart you are.
3. Problems developing working relationships. If people don't want to be around you, your career's in trouble. Bullying, isolation and being out of the loop in various ways all torpedo future careers.
4. Lack of follow-through. Smart people are often involved in many interests but when you consistently forget to follow-up on promises and don't attend to important details, people notice and question the wisdom of handing you anything else to forget.
5. Problems moving from a technical to a strategic level. Here's where engineers and other highly technical people can stumble and find themselves unable to go beyond what they know. They can’t sometimes formulate more complex strategies. If you're on your way up the ladder from a highly technical role to a more managerial one, be sure to ask your boss for some feedback as to whether your strategic skills need honing.
6. Assuming that something other than your own hard work and strategizing will take you where you want to go. Being overly dependent on a powerful boss or some other advocate, or even on your natural talent, sometimes causes high-potential people to get a little lazy. "I know I'll make VP this spring," a rising young star once said, "because all the important people are on my side." Wrong-he was passed on the inside lane by somebody who had just made a great presentation to the right person. The only person who can get you noticed and promoted is you.

Anything on that list sound familiar? If yes, take a second look at yourself or consult a friend. Psychologists tell us that self-evaluation is a terrible indicator of performance. To be on the safe side, ask somebody who knows you well (and will tell you the truth) to have a look at the list and give you some objective feedback. When it comes to keeping your career on track, what you don't know about yourself will definitely hurt you!

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I thought I would offer these to help some of you with the use of your home computer. These operations have worked very well for me and I do them regularly. Information has come from trusted computer experts and internet specialists. It is all reliable information.

There is a growing need for people to learn how to do cleanups in their computers. Here are a few ways to increase hard drive memory space, speed up your computer, and speed up your internet connection, especially at home.

You have permission to send this information to everybody you know or direct it to this month’s newsletter on www.DiscoverTeenergy.com. It will save huge amounts of people’s time.

1. Clean up and reorganize the hard drive

On the desktop, find a clear space and right click, then click "Properties", click the Screensaver and put the setting on "None." The screensaver must be off for this program to run. Return to the normal desktop. Reminder: Turn on the screensaver when completed.

Click "Start", click "Programs", click "Accessories", click "System Tools", click "Maintenance Wizard." When activated, it will get rid of extra files, duplicates, check and repair minor problems on the hard drive and reorganize all the bits and pieces of files that had to be located all over the hard drive. This may take some time, but just let it happen. Results: increased computer speed. How often: at least once a month depending on usage.

2. Clean out and reorganize the hard drive some more. It is worthwhile to drag "Windows Explorer" onto the desktop to ease regular use.

1. Click "Start", click "Programs", click "Windows Explorer", click "C:" and then go down the left list and click on "Windows." Go down the left list to "Cookies." Click "Edit" on the top bar and "Select All" then right click and delete all cookies. The index will not be deleted. You may have to highlight around it. Results: a "spy" has been removed from the computer and memory space has been increased.
2. Fonts. You will never use most of the fonts. Delete the ones you don’t want and gain a lot of usable memory.

c) Click "History" and clear everything there.

4. Further down, find "Temp" and select any files with .TMP or .tmp endings and delete them. Be careful not to delete other important files.
5. Just below, find "Temporary Internet Files". You will probably find thousands clogging your system. Click on "Edit" and "Select All" and then right click and click "Delete." It’s ok to delete the cookies in there. How often: once a week or more.

1. Increase Bootup speed. (get a Registry Cleanup Program)

Go into the internet to Google.com. Type in "Regclean", for choices of software, or go to:

4. Increase Internet Speed (a very dramatic difference)

Read your modem instruction book or find out if the controlling software is in the modem or in your computer. If it is in your modem, your modem is probably old and obsolete. Replace it.

If the controlling software is in your computer (usually a cheaper modem), which is most likely, then the software is probably outdated and needs upgrading. This is why it works so slowly! Go to the internet and do the following:

Click "Start", click "Program", click "Windows Explorer", click "Control Panel", click "Modem" and write down the name of your modem and model number. Then go into the internet to "Google.com". Enter the name of your modem and the words " modem updates" e.g. "Rockwell Modem Updates." Once at the site, find your model number and download the updated version of the software. This should be free. Do not pay for any of these programs.

How often: update once a year or when the internet is really, really slow again.

5. "Readme" Documents and Others.

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A Stroll in the Park, Walking and Adventure Club

Acting & Modelling Information Service (want to be an extra in summer movies?)

Amnesty International (contact anytime)

Auction Sales (check local papers for ones in your area)

Automobile Clubs (check local papers)

Bancroft Mineral Collecting

Beach Blast Indoor Volleyball Centre (birthday party fun)

Bark Lake Leadership Centre (apply soon)

Bloor Cinema (oldies but goodies and very cheap)

Brookstone Performing Arts (volunteer to help with productions)

Camp Enterprise (contact a facilitator to get on the list)

Canadian Camping Association (get ready for the summer)

Celtic Learning & Travel Services (summer credit courses in Ireland)

Drama Workshop (during March break)

Lake St. George Field Centre Environmental Science Study (summer credit courses)

Metro Girls Hockey School (during March break)

Music Show (get ready. This is a biggy)

National Engineering Week at the Ont. Science Centre

Ontario Educational Leadership Centre (check into registration)

Student Venture Loans (look into funding your summer job)

Toronto Festival of Storytelling

University Open Houses (check universities in "Colleges and Universities" on the website)

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Katherine L. and Sarah L., both Gr. 11, are both editors of the LAT Times newspaper. Katherine has a job in a toy store and has been learning about best toys for kids. Both will be entered in the Metro Debate Finals coming up on Feb. 9^th. Cristina C., OAC, is also going to be in these debates. She, Sarah and Katherine were all invited to the Ontario Debate Finals held in Kitchener last year.

Ashleigh S., Gr. 10, LAT Gifted Program, is heavily involved in photography and wants to become more expert at it. She is also on the yearbook committee this year.

Julie A., Gr. 9, is interested in advertising. She did a major project on it last year and would like to know if anybody else wants to join her in an independent study. Julie is picking up on Joyce L.’s article about Leadership Training and will be taking Part II of the course this summer. She really liked part I and would recommend it to everybody.

Natasha V., Gr. 9, is developing an interest in Psychology. She is exploring Advanced Placement university credits and will be contacting a few other students with similar interests.

Donna H., Gr. 11, would like to organize a trip for gifted program students interested in the Bonnechere Caves near Algonquin Park or the Collingwood Scenic Caves, sometime when the weather is nicer. THIS IS A PRIVATE ENDEAVOUR, NOT A SCHOOL FUNCTION. The trip will probably happen on a Saturday. Parents would be welcome too. Hopefully some will volunteer as drivers. (Comment: what about making the whole thing a families affair??) Contact Donna if you would like to get on the list of interested parties.

Sabrina S., Gr. 12, is the founder of the LAT Leadership Club.

Nathalie O. and Jessica V. won the LAT Junior and Senior Math Challenges.

is interested in Psychology and is going to try to work for a Psychologist in her neighbourhood. It was suggested to her that she might offer to do research for the person and that way have a job and learn more about the subject.

Kate A., Gr. 10, informed Gift Rap that Nathalie O. did a great job of organizing the trip for the BeLeafers - the new school club she opened up recently. Kate said they visited the Hockey Hall of Fame, the ACC, and took in a St. Mike’s hockey game on their first outing. Congratulations on the success of starting a new club. Keep it up.

Joyce L., Gr. 9, who is one of the founders of the LAT Storytelling Club, would like to have the club involved in a drive to collect old books and give them to a charity. If you know an organization that would like to have the books or if you might like to help out, contact her.

Joyce L., Nathalie O., Kaley K., attended the "Counterspin" show at the CBC Building on Jan. 16^th. With special guest LAT student Adwoa A. along, we watched as experts discussed and argued the issue of Americans taking prisoners out of Afghanistan and trying them in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba by military tribunals. Because it was such a positive experience, we will arrange to go again. Hope others can make it next time. If you want to go on your own on a Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday night, call Counterspin organizers at: 416-907-5089 or 416-968-0899 to sign on.

Olivia M., Gr. 10, occasionally attends lectures on physiotherapy given by her father who is a doctor.

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Non-Fiction

Fiction

(book review submitted by Kaley Kennedy, Gr. 9, LAT Gifted Program)
Annie’s Baby edited by Beatrice Sparks. It is the real diary of an anonymous, pregnant teenager. This is an incredible tale of a fourteen-year-old girl who finds herself trapped in an abusive relationship. She lives in a web of lies and falsities, alone and frightened. You follow Annie as she fights the demons within herself to do the best for her and her little one. I recommend that all teenagers, both girls and boys, read this book. Books such as these allow teenagers to learn from the mistakes of others.

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(excerpts from an article by Rob Ferguson, Toronto Star)

Students considering American athletic scholarships may want to know some troubling news brought to light about the National Collegiate Athletics Association (NCAA). This – believe it or not – has gone on for years but nobody has been able to do anything about it until now.

Studies have shown that many young talented athletes lured to USA sports universities and colleges through scholarships, end up in virtual "sweatshops" and are treated very poorly because of the NCAA and its ways. Here’s how:

• student athletes injured in voluntary team practices have to pay their own medical bills. Only mandatory practices cover players. Athletes who skip voluntary ones usually don’t get playing time. The mandatory-voluntary ones are nicknamed "volundatory" practices.
• some students have trouble buying enough food because stipends are about $2000 below the cost of living.
• rules say student athletes shouldn’t spend more than 20 hours on their sport but this is often flagrantly abused.
• existing life insurance on athletes is often not enough to pay for transportation of the body to the person’s home and burial.
• while a student athlete, a person may not take on a job related to their athletic talent or reputation as an athlete (e.g. coaching a junior football team, teaching swimming, etc.).
• networks and advertisers make a ton of money on TV rights with nothing going to the amateur athletes. College coaches enjoy lucrative endorsement opportunities and megabucks contracts.

If you are considering a sports scholarship at an American college/university through the NCAA, be aware of these lesser-known conditions under which you might be training. Contact or join the fledgling Collegiate Athletes Coalition that is fighting for athletes’ rights in light of these conditions.

• When learning a different language, practice it out loud. Hearing yourself speak the language helps you recognize your own mistakes.
• Conduct an autopsy on past tests and assignments. By doing this you can note the pattern of your mistakes and make improvements.
• work hard at what you want to achieve. Nothing in life is given to you without effort.
  
  Most importantly, believe in yourself. If you keep telling yourself that something can't be done, then you will not succeed because you start to believe it. However, if you tell yourself that you can do anything that you put your mind to, you will go far. Good luck in your studies and remember you can do it! (Comment: As Winston Churchill said about what makes people succeed: "Never, never, never, give up!")

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Contest: Mattamy Homes wants you to help find just the right name for its new 800-home community in Cambridge. You can win a vacation for two in southern California.

Deadline is March 1^st.

The area is nestled in a country atmosphere and close to three conservation areas several country clubs and Puslinch Lake. The community will feature wide lots and homes will be close to the street to encourage neighbour interaction. Visit the site in Cambridge if REALLY interested.

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A plaque presented to James Earl Jones, an actor, and intending to celebrate the life of Martin Luther King, instead honored the man who killed King! The plaque read: "Thank you James Earl Ray for keeping the dream alive." He’s the guy who killed King!! The cause was an error by the plaque’s designer.
(Comment: see how important it is to study history)

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Dirty Job, Great Pay (for the summer?)
(based on an article in the Toronto Star, Condo Living section)

Summer is approaching and students will soon be busy looking for summer jobs. Here is an interesting and different opportunity for the right people to earn some big money.

Wanted for a very high-demand job: We are looking for a person who likes great views, loves to work outdoors, is not afraid of heights, willing to work for $1000-$1500 per week. A short period of training will be necessary but the work is not all that difficult. What is it? Window cleaning!

With the huge increase in condos construction, there is a growing need for window cleaners. Companies specializing in window cleaning are asked to do more and more work but are short of good cleaners. If you meet the qualifications above, you might consider cleaning for the summer.

Cleaning windows may seem easy at first but there are some factors to consider. Your ability to stand heights will be the first thing. Rain will mean no work and pay for the day. Winds can be dangerous but will usually mean working on the other side of the building. If a bright sun is hitting the windows you are cleaning, it can get very hot and the washing water will evaporate quickly slowing you down. As well, cleaning condo windows is different from cleaning high-rise office buildings because condo owners are more demanding so you must do a very thorough job.

How to get some experience before applying? Go and watch professional window cleaners and take notes about their tools and techniques. If possible, ask them how they got started and how to do the cleaning. Talk to them about what detergents/cleaners they use, helpful hints, tips, etc. Also talk to them about applying for a job with their company. They can help prepare you for a successful application. Practice on the windows of your own residence and those of your neighbours.
(comment: if you do a really good job, consider starting your own little window cleaning business for the summer in your neighbourhood)

LOOK IN YELLOW PAGES PHONEBOOK UNDER "WINDOW CLEANERS" Good luck.

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(article in Metro Today newspaper)

Martha Stewart had to decide whether to pull her line of products out of the financially troubled Kmart chain of department stores in the USA. She did and it actually caused the collapse of the chain because her stuff was their most popular line of merchandise. WalMart and Target are eagerly waiting to sign her up for their stores.

(comment: see, other people do have problems bigger than yours)

(thoughts on and excerpts from an article in the Toronto Star by Shelley Emling)

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God in Your Life

(submitted by Nathalie Olds, Gr. 10, LAT Gifted Program. Thanks.)

One day Satan and Jesus were having a conversation. Satan had just come from the Garden of Eden, and he was gloating and boasting.

"Yes, sir, I just caught the world full of people down there. Set me a trap, used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got 'em all!"

"What are you going to do with them?" Jesus asked.

Satan replied, "Oh, I'm gonna have fun! I'm gonna teach them how to marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other, how to drink and smoke and curse. I'm gonna teach them how to invent guns and bombs and kill each other. I'm really gonna have fun!"

"And what will you do when you get done with them?" Jesus asked.
"Oh, I'll kill 'em," Satan glared proudly.
"How much do you want for them?" Jesus asked.
"Oh, you don't want those people. They ain't no good. Why, you'll take them and they'll just hate you. They'll spit on you, curse you and kill you! You don't want those people!" "How much?" Jesus asked again.
Satan looked at Jesus and sneered, "All your tears, and all your blood."
Jesus said, "DONE!" Then He paid the price.

Isn't it funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell?
Isn’t it funny that people run to or call out to God for help when they get in big trouble despite the fact they may have taken Him for granted for years, ignored Him all their lives, forgotten everything they ever learned about Him and/or never taken the time to know Him. Then they get angry when He doesn’t help them the way they want?
Isn't it funny how we believe in all kinds of strange stuff that is in the newspapers, but question and dismiss what the Bible says?
Isn't it funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do not have to believe, think, say, or do anything the Bible says. Or is it scary?
Isn't it funny how someone can say "I believe in God" but still follow Satan? (Who, by the way also "believes" in God!)
Isn't it funny how you can send a thousand jokes through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding God, people think twice about sharing?
Isn't it funny how the lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but the public discussion of Jesus is suppressed in the school and workplace?
Isn't it funny how someone can be so fired up for Christ on Sunday during one hour or so, but be an invisible Christian the rest of the week?
Are you laughing?
Isn't it funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them?
Isn't it funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me?
Will YOU pass this on? I did!

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(by Joyce Lam, Gr. 9, LAT Gifted Program. Thanks.)

Going to the Leadership I program from October-December last year was a very positive experience in my life. When I walked into the classroom in Agincourt Recreation Centre for the first time, I wasn’t sure what to expect. However, the friendliness of my two instructors and the acceptance by my peers soon showed me that I had absolutely nothing to worry about. By the end of the first class I was completely at ease and pleased to be in this special program.

Through the weeks of the program, we learned about kinds of leaders and leadership styles, communicating with others, how to be assertive, understanding different age groups, and skills leaders need. Along the way, we played games to enhance our communication and leadership skills, laughed at everyone and ourselves, made friends and had a great time. By the end of the course we were all quite close, and if I had the chance, I would do the 9 weeks over again; it was that much fun.

I seriously recommend this course. The course is called Leadership I, and you can look for a location near you in the North York Programs booklet.

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(from an episode of NextTV, CITY-TV production)

The Interactive Institute in Sweden is probably one of the most interesting and creative experimental hotbeds of creativity on the planet.

How creative is creative? Try Brainball. Roll a marble toward your opponent on a playing field by use of your brainwaves. The winner is the one who can relax the most. An actor on stage gets to manipulate the environment around him/her by synchronizing movement with computer animation. Researchers for the institute design hands-on sculpture that encourages people to talk to each other and thereby increasing interaction in the community.

These are only samples of what the institute does. They invent games, interactive computer/brain tasks, and work on artificial intelligence.

Have a look. If you thought you were creative now, you will think you are a novice after seeing this website. When on the site, download their projects for the year and be totally amazed!!

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The world may be chaotic, full of hatred, fear and pain. Into the battle rides a special enlightened warrior who believes goodness defeats evil.

The weapons of non-war are compassion, appreciation, love and gratitude. With them a light warrior can neutralize hatred and fear – the darkness. The light warrior is disciplined, honest, determined, and tenacious. The goal of goodness is always out in front of him/her.

Right now we are engaged in a major battle on Earth between forces of light and darkness. Light is anything that is life affirming which evolves us. Dark is that which is life-destructive and regressive.

A Light Warrior holds the Sword of Discrimination, which has the ability to cut through illusion so that the right course of action may be followed in a difficult situation. A light warrior does not judge who is good or evil because anyone can transform darkness. Effort goes into encouraging others to show their light instead of hiding in the darkness. One who is at peace inside and does not "terrorize" his/her "inner child" is a warrior of light.

A wise native saying is appropriate:

"Darkness will not touch you if you are radiating light" – White Eagle.

Sometimes light warriors are labeled as being "bleeding hearts." They often prefer non-violent gentle methods and are therefore thought of as weak and ineffectual by those advocating the use of brute force and punishment. In his book, Mark It and Strike It, Steve Allen, a noted musician, actor, and TV talk-show pioneer, states: "the time has come to say something about those who habitually employ words like ‘bleeding hearts’ in a bitter and critical sense. The time has come to call these men for what they are: dry-hearted do-nothings."

"If we learn anything from history it is that truly significant progress has often been achieved by those rare individuals whose hearts DO bleed for their fellow men and who effect what material or spiritual good they can for them as a result of this concern, this rage for universal justice. Let it be recognized that the man who sarcastically calls others ‘bleeding hearts’ thereby brands himself as the unfeeling boor that he is."

Be a Light Warrior. May the force be with YOU.

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(item on the CBC news)

A teenager killed himself when he flew a plane into a Tampa building in December copying the events of Sept. 11 in New York City. Investigations are suggesting an alarming cause. To date, 147 suicides of young people have shown they were using an acne medicine called Accutane. He was using it too. If you know anybody using the stuff, you might want to warn him or her.

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(from lots of reading – O.S.)

Most people take their tongues for granted. They make it do all kinds of things for them such as talk, push food around, lick things, pick teeth, etc. Ever make a good inspection of it once in a while?

Try this. In front of a mirror, stick it out, move it around slowly and take notice of your tongue and your inner mouth. Here are some things to look for and what they might mean:

Thick white coating on top. The tongue is an important place where toxins in the body come out. A thick gooey coating means lots of toxins coming out. Scrape it and brush it clean once in a while to clean out the pores. You might want to check your diet. It might need attention. Tongues should be clean and a nice healthy pinkish-red colour as indicators of inner cleanliness.

Swelling or soreness. You might be chewing it or rubbing your tongue around on your teeth a lot. These actions can activate a lot of nerves resulting in stress and tension. Your tongue is the most sensitive spot on your whole body. It has more nerves than anywhere else. Floating your tongue in your mouth when at rest will keep your tongue from getting sore and will cause your whole body to be more relaxed.

Open sores, cankers, cuts, lesions. You may be inadvertently biting your tongue or the sides of your mouth unconsciously or in sleep due to stress. Infection may be present because you don’t brush your teeth (and your tongue) often enough. Use a good quality natural toothpaste or baking soda, rinse with a high quality natural mouthwash (avoid popular advertised brands that have lots of toxins in them), floss teeth daily. Keep your mouth as clean as possible every day. You may also be eating too quickly and biting yourself.

Bad smell in the mouth. Studies have shown that a tongue and/or gums that are inflamed, very sensitive or bleed easily because of lack of cleansing can be the gateways to many infections. The acids that form will eventually erode jawbones and teeth too. Germs and bacteria entering the body through infected mouthparts can lead to diabetes, halitosis (bad breath), gum disease and discoloured yellow teeth.

Many dentists do an inspection of the mouth along with the teeth in checkups. Encourage yours to do it if he/she doesn’t. Have a healthy mouth and tongue and keep your teeth longer.

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(partially based on an article by John Sewell, Eye Magazine)

In many cities, kids are turning on kids and crime rates are increasing. Trust in the community is destroyed and there is great frustration, anger and desperation. Young people between 14-26 years old commit most crimes.

-lack of youth programs because of closing of community centres

-lack of effective community leadership

-extreme focus on materialism. "You are what you wear."

-zero tolerance policies in schools take problem kids out of places that should support them

-money gets spent on studies instead of meaningful youth projects

-relationships between police and minority groups may be uncomfortable

-become a mentor and develop a relationship with a poor child. When both parents work and bad choices go unchecked, trouble follows. Police and social services offices can help you find such people in need.

-offer to tutor kids with school difficulties

-help create youth programs in your area to develop a sense of community and belonging

-pressure politicians to create jobs and skills training opportunities for young people

-organize and run drop-ins after school for kids

-pressure the media to pay more attention to the issue

-find out if parents or relatives who own companies can help provide part-time jobs for youths

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"I noticed that when I made more money that it was easier to give material things than my time. But it is the gift of time that is so valuable. Listening, advising, cooking, praying, just being together. It is so easy to get caught up in a swirl of busy importance. Its time to stop and smile." - Sark

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Never tell your Mom her diet's not working. Michael, age 14

Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to. Emily, age 10

When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. Taylia, age 11

A puppy always has bad breath even after eating a Tic Tac. Andrew, age 9

Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. Kyoyo, age 11

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. Naomi, age 15

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, age 10

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, age 13

Never try to baptize a cat. Eileen, age 8

Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, age 10

1. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
2. What happens if you get scared to death twice?
3. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
4. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
5. If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
8. If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?
9. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
10. Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
    

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire ... I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet of flowers ...
and a box of Depends.

4. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. But don't fret about it ... She moved in with me.

5. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder ... What the hell was I thinking?

6. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.

7. How could two people as beautiful as you ... Have such an ugly baby?

8. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you ... I've changed my mind.

9. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life ... I never believed in Hell till I met you.

10. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am ... that you're not here to ruin it for me.

11. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ... would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

12. Someday I hope to get married ... but not to you.

13. Happy birthday! You look great for your age ... Almost Lifelike!

14. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

15. I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

16. We have been friends for a very long time ... what say we stop?

17. I'm so miserable without you ... it's almost like you're here.

18. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

19. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket ... I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

20.Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep.

21. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama and Mississippi)

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